The Very Hungry Caterpillar Signs Up for a Free Trial of Noom
by Laurie Miller Hornik
On Sunday the very hungry caterpillar accidentally signed up for a two-week free trial of Noom. Since her twelve caterpillar eyes mostly just sense light and dark, she thought she was clicking on a video of adorable baby box turtles.
Welcome to Noom! We are based on positive psychology and smiles! No food is off limits! Did you weigh in? This is the super-sad face we’d make if you didn’t weigh in. Change doesn’t happen overnight!
On Monday the very hungry caterpillar ate through one apple. But she was still hungry.
Meals logged: 90 calories
Great job! An apple is only 90 calories and mostly water. We noticed you haven’t been logging your water. What? Caterpillars don’t drink water? Huh. We’ll send that information to our research team. How about exercise? You can log that weird undulating shimmy-walk you do. And rock climbing! We saw you scale that fairly large pebble. A lot of Noomers enjoy trying something new. Zumba is fun! Or badminton! Maybe snowboarding? On a totally related topic, remember to weigh in. We would hate to have to make our super-droopy-sad face! We are all about smiles here at Noom!
On Tuesday she ate through two pears but she was still hungry.
Meals logged: 168 calories
You are ROCKING this! Just one tiny and totally non-judgmental reminder: weighing in every day is soooo important. Do you see how that leaf you are resting on is sagging quite a bit more than it did yesterday when you ate only one piece of fruit? That’s an “environmental cue” that you are making terrible decisions. “Environmental cues” can be super helpful. Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight, and it won’t happen at all if you keep making terrible decisions!
On Wednesday she ate through three plums, but she was still hungry.
Meals logged: 90 calories
Have you tried sharing meals with friends or colleagues? Here’s a super-fun challenge: Stop eating before your friends or colleagues. If they eat only two plums, that’s a “social cue” that maybe you shouldn’t wolf down a third. “Social cues” can be so helpful! Picture us smiling in a really friendly way when we say this. Because we are!
On Thursday she ate through four strawberries, but she was still hungry.
Meals logged: 23 calories
Look who’s logged FOUR MEALS IN A ROW! You, that’s who! As a Noomtastic next step, we recommend you read “How to Break Unhelpful Patterns.” Because our algorithm picked up on a very unhelpful pattern involving the number of items you are consuming. If it continues, we predict you’ll be eating 30 pieces of fruit per day by the end of the month and will either develop diabetes or explode.
On Friday she ate through five oranges, but she was still hungry.
Meals logged: 310 calories
Um, okay. This is getting a little frustrating. We are making our super-duper-frowny face. It’s like a sad emoji crossed with a basset hound. You still aren’t weighing in and you seem to be ignoring all our great advice, even though it is based on cutting-edge and very positive psychology!
Hey! You know what you can do? Make a Personal Vision Board! You will need one large poster board, assorted markers, glue, and glitter. The more glitter, the better! Now draw pictures of yourself in the future, looking the way you want to look and doing the healthy activities you want to do. Do you want to wiggle all the way to the end of that branch? Build a kick-ass cocoon? Learn to ski? Put them all on your Personal Vision Board. Then decorate it with that green goo you like to excrete and lots of glitter! Change doesn’t happen overnight, but if you use enough glitter, it just might! (Look, we rhymed!)
On Saturday she ate through one piece of chocolate cake, one ice-cream cone, one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake, and one slice of watermelon.
Meals logged: 2,013 calories
Dude! What happened there? Are you even trying? No offense, but you are now a big fat caterpillar. We said no foods are “bad,” but yes, cupcakes and cherry pie are bad. And lollipops are not even really food. They are just congealed food dye and sugar on a stick. Have you learned nothing? Okay, try taking a calming breath. That’s what we’re doing.
On the bright side, our research team pointed out you aren’t consuming as many calories as we thought. Instead of finishing your foods, you chew a hole through the middle of each one and move on. This is pretty wasteful—we suggest offering any uneaten food to a friend or colleague—but it does mean our calorie count might be off. We made this app with humans in mind, but it’s important to us to be inclusive! We will look into adding “hole chewed through center” to our dropdown menu of measurements alongside cup, handful, slice, and tbsp. In the meantime, how about we divide by ten? That would get today’s calorie intake down to about 200. Still a bit on the high side, since you weigh less than an ounce.
On Sunday she ate through one nice green leaf. She built a cocoon around herself and logged her Movement as “Housework.”
Meals logged: 2 calories
Exercise Logged: 70 calories
Noomificent! This is positive psychology in action! Look at you burning 35 times more calories than you consume! Maybe change does happen overnight! Was it the Personal Vision Board? We bet it was. Did you use a lot of glitter? Of course you did! We are making a lopsided half-smiley half-frowny face because we are excited about the glitter, but you still aren’t weighing in.
The following Saturday she nibbled a hole in the cocoon and pushed her way out. Now she was a beautiful butterfly. She flew off hoping to see some adorable baby box turtles in real life.
Hello! Your free trial of Noom is about to end. We are making a sad-but-hopeful face because we are optimistic that you will subscribe for the low price of just $184 for four months. Oh, wait. Our research team has just informed us that butterflies generally live for 2-4 weeks. Well, that sucks. You know what? Forget we even asked. Go enjoy those baby turtles while you can. They sound Noomdorable!
NOTE I’ve been using Noom since late January, 2024 and find it to be both creepy and effective, pretty much in equal measures.
Have to agree, dear Laurie. This is absolutely fantastic!!! Congrats. Now please go weigh yourself or I will make a frowny face.
Laurie, this is brilliant!